“President Obama released his long-form birth certificate yesterday. So we found the birth certificate. Now it’s on to bin Laden.” – David Letterman [now that was prescient!]
“President Obama finally showed his birth certificate and it turns out he was born in Hawaii, of all places.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama released his birth certificate today, proving once and for all that he was born in the United States. Yep, the certificate clearly shows that he was born on the all-American street of Kalanianaole Highway at the Kapiolani Hospital in Oahu.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Today President Obama released his long-form birth certificate, proving once and for all he was born in this country. But you know, it never ends. Now Republican leaders are saying they want to see the placenta.” – Jay Leno
“Next up, we ought to say we don’t believe he’s a man and refuse to let it go until he releases his penis.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“After releasing the birth certificate today, he said ‘There’s work to be done, there are real problems in this country, and we don’t have time for this silliness.’ Then he and Michelle got on a plane and flew to Chicago to tape an episode of Oprah.” – Jay Leno
“These people could have personally witnessed him being born out of an apple pie, in the middle of a Kansas wheat field, while Toby Keith sang the National Anthem – and they’d still think he was a Kenyan Muslim.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“It’s a beautifully, lovely spring day. It was so nice down in Washington that President Obama was out on the White House lawn making a kite out of his birth certificate.” –David Letterman
“The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump.” – Jay Leno
“Fifty percent of Americans think Donald Trump would make a terrible president. The other 50 percent think he would make an awful president.” – David Letterman
“I’m surprised Donald Trump isn’t investigating whether Hawaii is an official state. A lot of vowels over there and not enough consonants.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump said he still wants to look more closely at Obama’s birth certificate to make sure that it’s real. Incidentally, President Obama said the same exact thing about Donald Trump’s hair.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Did you see Donald Trump today? He said, ‘I’m very proud of myself because I accomplished something no one else was able to accomplish.’ So basically Trump is taking credit for President Obama proving that everything Trump has been saying for the last year is a bunch of crap.” – Jay Leno
“Sarah Palin has written two books, her daughter Bristol has a book coming out – and now Levi Johnston is writing one too. Who would’ve ever guessed that America’s greatest literary dynasty would come out of an igloo?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Levi Johnston is now writing a book about the Palin family. He’s not writing it himself. He’s using a ghost moron.” – Jay Leno
“Levi and the publisher already have a title worked out for the book. It’s called ‘I Need Money’ by Levi Johnston.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The man who invented the teleprompter has died at the age of 91. When President Obama heard the news, he was speechless.” – Jay Leno
“It’s the 75th anniversary of the introduction of Social Security checks. For the younger viewers who don’t know what a Social Security check is, you’ll never see one in your lifetime, so don’t worry about it.” – Jay Leno
