“The Federal Trade Commission says for the 11th year in a row the biggest consumer complaint is identity theft. Which led President Obama to say, “That’s why you should never show ANYONE your birth certificate.” – Jay Leno
“The White House Easter egg roll was held yesterday. It was a great opportunity for kids from all over the country to come to the White House and look for the president’s birth certificate.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Every time a kid found an egg, Michelle Obama would make them trade it in for a low cholesterol Egg Beater. They had about 6,000 eggs, and you know who decorated them? Ex-cons. It’s nice to see the White House reaching out to former members of Congress.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. It was a little awkward though. Donald Trump showed up and demanded to see each egg’s birth certificate.” – Jimmy Fallon
“They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas.” – Jon Stewart
“Donald Trump says he’s President Obama’s worst nightmare. That’s not true. Having to make a decision is Obama’s worst nightmare.” – Jay Leno
“In the survey of happiest countries, Denmark, Sweden and Finland were the top three. U.S. came in 12th. Imagine how far our ranking will fall if we ever hear the words ‘President Trump.'” – Craig Ferguson
“New York just passed a law that allows same-sex conjugal visits for prisoners. Isn’t that pretty much what prison is?” – Jimmy Fallon
“New Jersey had a governor, married, who decided he was a homosexual, and he was having so much fun being a homosexual that he didn’t want to be governor any more, and now he wants to become a Catholic priest. I’m just going to leave the punchline up to you.” – David Letterman
“There is a nationwide shortage of drugs for Attention Deficit Disorder. The FDA says they’re not sure how it happened. I guess somebody wasn’t paying attention.” – Jay Leno
“A study found Americans spend $1.2 trillion every year on stuff they don’t need. Or as Republicans call it, health care.” – Jimmy Fallon
“WikiLeaks has information about the people that were incarcerated at Guantanamo Bay. Many of them were charged with terrorism and conspiracy, and one person was actually charged with shoplifting a necklace.” – David Letterman
“A lot of people are worried about the safety of America’s nuclear power plants. It’s important to remember that we’ve never had a full meltdown. We came close with Charlie Sheen, though.” – Jay Leno
“St. Louis International Airport was hit directly by a tornado. They determined that tornadoes are no longer a danger, and now we can go back to being endangered by sleeping air traffic controllers.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A man just tried to hijack a plane, and he had two demands. He wanted them to take him to Libya, and he wanted an extra pillow. Fortunately it didn’t happen. Thank God all the air traffic controllers were asleep.” – David Letterman
“Hey, who’s excited about the Royal Wedding? I’m conflicted. I can’t figure out whether I don’t care or whether I couldn’t care less. I think we’re all more excited about the royal divorce.” – David Letterman
