“The Department of Justice shut down the biggest online poker sites for violating the law. None of the poker players saw it coming because they were all wearing those stupid little sunglasses.” – Craig Ferguson
“The poker sites broke the same law that prevents the banks from transferring money to offshore accounts. Now if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that Uncle Sam isn’t going to let banks screw people over.” – Craig Ferguson
“President Obama’s critics are lashing out over him shutting down the poker sites. Sarah Palin called it an overreaction, Tim Pawlenty said it was irrational, and Donald Trump said, ‘Be sure to watch ‘Celebrity Apprentice.”” – Craig Ferguson
“Gambling and Washington don’t seem to go together at all. One’s full of whores and seedy, soulless bastards and the other’s the gambling industry.” – Craig Ferguson
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Forty percent of Americans say they would rather cut their own hair than do their taxes. And then there are people that would rather do neither. I’m talking to you, Willie Nelson.” – Craig Ferguson
“Every year, I include a piece of chicken in the envelope with my taxes. Not as a bribe, just a little treat for the guy at the IRS who opens it.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“In Portland, Oregon, a mail carrier made a very special delivery to the lawn of someone’s home. He defecated behind the garbage cans. Where’s he supposed to go? In his pith helmet? That’s for pith, not for anything else. So now ‘going postal’ means a whole new thing, I guess.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew ‘The Apprentice.’ So some good may come out of this.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama is celebrating Passover with a Passover Seder. After hearing this, Sarah Palin said, ‘Ah, so he is a Muslim.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Obama will participate in a town hall meeting hosted on Facebook. So just like everyone else in America, Obama will be on Facebook when he should be working.” – Conan O’Brien
“Republican Rick Santorum got rid of his campaign slogan after he found it was similar to one coined by a gay man. No word yet on why he chose, ‘Rick Santorum for President. I Love Penises.'” – Conan O’Brien
“To celebrate Kim Jong Il’s birthday. North Korea held the biggest magic show ever. Things got out of control when the magician pulled a rabbit out of his hat and it was immediately eaten by 28 million people.” – Conan O’Brien
“The boyhood home of Bill Clinton has been designated as a National Historic Site. It’s great, but I hope it stops there. Because there are a million places that can say ‘Bill Clinton Slept Here.'” – Craig Ferguson
