“Lenscrafters is upset with Tea Partier Michele Bachmann because she called Planned Parenthood ‘the Lenscrafters of abortion.’ Lenscrafters released a statement today calling her ‘the Costco of crazy.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Michele Bachmann said Planned Parenthood is the Lenscrafters of Big Abortion.’ Which is a realy double-whammy because the conservatives hate Planned Parenthood and they hate Lenscrafters, because Lenscrafters makes glasses, and that could lead to reading.” – Bill Maher
“Donald Trump is going to make an announcement about running for President on the season finale of ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’ Not to be outdone, the same night the Cake Boss will reveal his plan for overhauling Medicare.” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump is attacking President Obama’s background. And I said, ‘Wait a minute, Trump also is from a mixed background. He’s half jack and half ass.'” – David Letterman
“Trump is a little tone-deaf to the average American. He unveiled his slogan this week ‘Are you better off than you were four wives ago?”” – Bill Maher
“Pakistan says they are slowing down their hunt for bin Laden. Slowing it down? What is it, 10 years now? Could you go any slower?” – Jay Leno
“Today federal agents discovered another sleeper cell. Not terrorists, air traffic controllers. A controller in Reno fell asleep while a medical plane carrying a sick passenger was trying to land. Ironically, do you know what the patient was suffering from? Insomnia.” – Jay Leno
“Barack Obama recently presented a powerful speech detailing his 2012 budget. And he kept the audience, including Vice President Joe Biden, on the edge of their consciousness.” – Stephen Colbert
“Two things you need to know about taxes. They’ve extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China.” – David Letterman
“The budget deal will cut almost $40 billion out of the budget. This of course is very bad news for poor people, health programs for the poor were cut $600 million; the EPA was cut $1.6 billion…The good news: they cut all the money out of repairing federal buildings. So there was a slight chance a wall will collapse on Eric Cantor.” – Bill Maher
“A study found 1 in 3 Americans lives near a nuclear power plant. And the other 2 live near a Kardashian. So we’re all at risk of exposure to dangerous seepage.” – Craig Ferguson
