“Republicans are obsessed with abortion. If they really wanted to protect the weakest, most helpless people, wouldn’t they protect the Democrats?” – Bill Maher
“I’m not going to pay taxes. When they say I’m going to prison, I’ll say no, prisons cost taxpayers a lot of money. You keep what it would have cost to incarcerate me, and we’ll call it even.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Today President Obama changed his slogan from ‘Yes, We Can’ to ‘Have It Your Way.'” – Bill Maher
“Republicans and Democrats have agreed to a deal. After intense negotiations, they agreed on a budget deal and a short-term funding extension to keep this country not moving forward.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“After intense last minute negotiations, a deal was reached that will avoid a government shutdown. The Democrats and Republicans worked together on this one with one common goal … to screw each other.” – David Letterman
“The good news is, the government is up and running, the same as before. The bad news is, the government is up and running, the same as before.” – Jay Leno
“I’m so glad the government is still running. If it stopped, who would give me my parking tickets – Santa?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I almost didn’t come to work today. I’m so depressed we still have a government. And we could have blamed it on the Democrats.” – Stephen Colbert
“To avoid a shutdown, the government cut $39 billion from the budget. The first thing to go was ‘Real Housewives of D.C.'” – Conan O’Brien
“The Bravo Network has canceled ‘Real Housewives of Washington, D.C.’ At last a government shutdown we can feel good about.” – Jay Leno
“Glenn Beck retired or got fired… and a lot of people are asking who will now speak for the raving lunatics who startle you outside of a parking garage?” – Bill Maher
“The only real difference between Glenn Beck and Paul Revere is that when Paul Revere told you the British were coming, they were, in fact, coming.” – Jon Stewart
“I was devastated. In fact, last night I went home and finished off a whole pint of George Soros’ Caliphate Crunch. Rum raisin with chocolate-covered micro chips.” – Jon Stewart
“It was so lovely today in New York that Charlie Sheen was bombing in the park. So beautiful Southwest Airlines put in screens. So nice in D.C. that President Obama was fanning himself with his birth certificate.” – David Letterman
“Obama said in an interview that he really misses being anonymous. If he wanted to remain anonymous he should have run for vice president.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama says he misses being anonymous. You know, back when he could blend in with the other Hawaiian Barack Hussein Obamas.” – Conan O’Brien
“A new poll shows that only 19 percent of Americans strongly approve of President Obama’s performance. The other 81 percent don’t own gas stations.” – Jay Leno
“Gas has gone up 20 cents just this week. Shouldn’t we stop calling it crude oil at this point and call it obscene oil?” – Jay Leno
“The Pentagon announced that openly gay soldiers will begin serving this summer. When people asked why this summer, the Army said, ‘Because ‘Glee’ will be in reruns.'” – Conan O’Brien
