“We’re heading for a government shutdown. This is serious. Without the government who will fail to inspect our airplanes? Who will fail to secure our borders? Who will put us 14 trillion dollars in debt?” – Jay Leno
“If Congress can’t agree on a budget by midnight Friday, the government will shut down. Democrats are demanding to tax all of the people’s money and use it to fund abortions, while the Republicans want to sell the country to Exxon Mobil and relocate gays to Puerto Rico.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The White House may have to lay off all nonessential workers if the government shuts down. You know: interns, pages, Biden…” – Jimmy Fallon
“All government services may be shut down next week, which could really make the DMV inconvenient.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Members of Congress will still get paid if there’s a shutdown. So it will be just like it is now. We’ll be paying them to do nothing.” – Jay Leno
“A lot of public beaches may also be shut down, which could severely whiten John Boehner.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Due to the budget impasse, the federal government may shut down next week. There will be another season of ‘Jersey Shore,’ but the U.S. government is still up in the air.” – Conan O’Brien
“The most embarrassing part is that by the weekend, our government could be shut down, but Moammar Gadhafi’s government could still be working.” – Jay Leno
“The White House says we’ll be staying in Libya longer than expected. I didn’t see that coming.” – David Letterman
“The original estimate for Libya was two weeks. Now they’re predicting about 12 years.” – David Letterman
“Fox News announced today that Glenn Beck will leave his show later this year. It’s nothing personal. He just wants to spend more time with the voices in his head.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Glenn Beck has announced that he is leaving his show on Fox News this year. Even more surprising is that he’s leaving to marry his life-partner, Abdul Gonzales.” – Conan O’Brien
