“President Obama escalated the war in Afghanistan, he sent the Navy in to shoot at pirates in the Indian Ocean, and now he’s attacking Libya. It’s like he took the Nobel Peace Prize as an insult.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama addressed the nation on Libya. This changes his previous policy on Libya, which was, ‘don’t ask, don’t tell.'” – Jay Leno
“President Obama said the United States has clear and focused goals in Libya. He said he would share those goals with us as soon as Hillary shares them with him.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama gave a speech about Libya last night. The title of the speech? “No, I Wasn’t Born There.” – Conan O’Brien
“Obama wanted to update the American people on Libya but unless Snooki is going to Libya, the American people don’t care.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Pentagon says we’ll be out of Libya in a couple of weeks. Let me translate that: 10-year quagmire.” – David Letterman
“Instead of calling our mission in Libya a war, the White House is calling it a ‘kinetic military action,’ which sounds better than ‘potentially endless quagmire.'” – Jay Leno
“About Libya, President Obama says we’re staying for a short time and then leaving. That’s what my relatives always say.” – David Letterman
“Congress is mad at President Obama because he didn’t consult them before the war in Libya. Congress got us into two other wars and put us 14 trillion dollars in debt. I can’t imagine why he didn’t consult them.” – Jay Leno
“Obama was in South America and when he came back to the White House, he was locked out of the Oval Office. That’s like the eight years of the Bush administration.” – David Letterman
“Donald Trump called George W. Bush ‘the worst president in the history of the United States.’ Then he added, ‘Until, of course, I’m elected.'” – Conan O’Brien
“A reporter in Florida claimed he was locked in a closet by Joe Biden’s staff to keep him from talking to people at an event. It wouldn’t have been so bad if Biden hadn’t been locked in there too for the same reason.” – Jimmy Fallon
“General Electric did not pay any taxes at all last year. Of course that’s because G.E. reported its sale of NBC as a charitable donation.” – Conan O’Brien
“I know the Supreme Court ruled that corporations are people, but what I didn’t realize is that those people are assholes.” – Jon Stewart
“The Census Bureau says 50 million Hispanic people now live in the U.S. You know what that means: 80 million Hispanic people now live in the U.S.” – Jimmy Fallon
“In the wake of record losses, the U.S. Postal Service announced it is cutting 7,500 jobs. But a spokesman for the post office said those positions could be restored if this whole email thing turns out to be nothing but a fad.” – Jay Leno
