“They said the radioactive plume came here today. Just be happy that something traveled 5,000 miles across the Pacific and for once it wasn’t your job.” – Bill Maher
“President Obama told Americans not to worry about the radiation from Japan — as he left for South America.” – Jay Leno
“We will always find a way to make this about us. Even though there’s really no chance of anybody getting any negligible amount of radiation, Americans on the West Coast are desperately buying up and hoarding iodine pills. Isn’t it great that in a land that is divided between conservative morons and liberal pussies, somehow we have managed to find a way to pull together and behave like moronic pussies.” – Bill Maher
“The head of Tokyo Electric today broke down in tears during his news conference. But to keep that in perspective, he’s known around the office over there as John Boehner-san.” – Bill Maher
“They’re using high-pressure water cannons and helicopters dropping seawater to try to cool down the reactor. And they say if that works, they’re going to try that here on Charlie Sheen.” – Bill Maher
“Sarah Palin finally heard what happened in Japan, and she’s demanding that we invade tsuanmi. She said these tsunamians will not get away with this.” – Bill Maher
“Sarah Palin is going to Israel next week on a fact-finding tour. She wants to find out things like where is it and who’s their king. She says she’s very excited to visit the Wailing Wall, because whaling is illegal in Alaska.” – Jay Leno
“Julianne Moore has signed on to play Sarah Palin in a TV movie. Remember how Robert De Niro had to gain 60 pounds to play the boxer Jake LaMotta? Julianne has to drop 125 IQ points to play Sarah Palin.” – Jay Leno
“Julianne Moore will play Sarah Palin in an upcoming movie. They got an unknown to play Levi Johnston. It’s Levi Johnston.” – Jay Leno
“A New Jersey school named after President Obama is closing because of low enrollment. That explains the school’s new education plan, ‘No Child Left …'” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama is facing criticism for going on ESPN to pick his NCAA brackets when there are more important issues on his agenda. When he heard this, Obama said, ‘Wait . . . Was today my fantasy baseball draft?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“They said on the news today 10,000 to 15,000 people each day are coming across the border from Libya into Egypt. Or as we call it in California, a ‘trickle.'” – Jay Leno
