“The situation is deteriorating in Libya and Japan and the stock market is collapsing worldwide. President Obama finally took decisive action. He named Duke, Kansas, Ohio State and Pittsburgh as his Final Four.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama went on ESPN to announce his NCAA tournament picks. Or, as Japan put it, ‘Really?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Surprisingly, March Madness is not that big in the Middle East. Because they have April Madness, May Madness, June Madness, and more.” – Jay Leno
“Hillary Clinton visited Egypt today for the first time since the uprising. When asked why she went, Bill Clinton said, “Believe me, if anyone can stop an uprising, it’s Hillary.” – Jimmy Fallon
“In a speech Obama said women earn 75 cents for each dollar a man makes, to which Sarah Palin said, ‘Have you met Todd?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama held a meeting on bullying, and he revealed that he himself is bullied every day, by Fox News.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama told middle school students that he was always in trouble in the 8th grade. In fact, he was once sent to the principal’s office because he said the dog ate his birth certificate.” – Jay Leno
“Al Qaeda has launched its own womens magazine. I bought a copy, and I tell you right now, those ankles are totally airbrushed.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Al-Qaida has now launched a woman’s magazine that will have everything from fashion to terror advice. Unfortunately, women are not allowed to read it.” – Jay Leno
“Tea Party candidate Michele Bachmann said the Revolutionary War started in New Hampshire when it really started in Massachusetts. Interesting that a woman who believes so strongly in states rights can’t get her states right.” – Jay Leno
“Newt Gingrich explained why he fooled around on his first two wives by saying he loved this country so much that it led him to cheating. He was so passionate about it he had to take his pants off. When I hear the National Anthem I just put my hand over my heart.” – Jay Leno
“Washington, D.C. is the most socially networked city in the country, which is why you could hear in the Senate today, “All in favor vote ‘like.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Today is the Ides of March, the day on which in 44 B.C. Julius Caesar was stabbed to death by 60 Roman Senators. That could never happen today. We can’t get 60 Senators to agree on anything.” – Jay Leno
“Life expectancy in the U.S. has risen to a new record of 78.2 years. The bad news is, the average age a person has to work to before they can retire is now 78.3 years.” – Jay Leno
