“Newt Gingrich, who famously cheated on wife number two with now wife number three, says he prays for God’s forgiveness. He also prays that wife number three never finds out about Vanessa.” – Conan O’Brien
”Newt knows that before he throws his giant hat into the ring, he has to explain his past positions — specifically, why those positions were so often on top of women who weren’t his wife.” – Stephen Colbert
“Newt Gingrich has started a web site to gauge whether he should start an exploratory committee to determine whether he should run for President. This is just the type of firm, decisive leadership this country needs.” – Jay Leno
“Congressman Peter King is holding hearings on the radicalization of American Muslims to determine why they feel alienated from American culture. Hopefully these hearings into why they’re so dangerous will make them feel more welcome.” – Stephen Colbert
“Al-Qaida is now publishing a magazine for women. They already have one for men, called ‘Car Bomb and Driver.'” – David Letterman
“I always thought the point of evidence was that if you didn’t have enough, you’re not allowed to keep them in prison. It’s one of the many differences we have in this country between prisons and zoos. You don’t really need anything on an aardvark.” – Jon Stewart (on military tribunals at Guantanamo)
“They say that Japan’s rigorous building codes and regulations saved thousands of lives. Or as Republican here saw it, it fostered a socialist anti-business environment that’s worse than being dead.” – Bill Maher
“It turns out that the Republican budget that they submitted for next year slashes funding for the agency that issues tsunami warnings and organizes responses to the tsunami. In their defense, Republicans say that tsunamis are just a theory, they are not a real threat like ACORN, the Black Panthers, NPR, and math teachers in Wisconsin.” – Bill Maher
“Los Angeles residents are going to vote on a tax on anything sold in a medical marijuana dispensary. If the measure passes the city could be solvent within 45 minutes.” – Conan O’Brien
“Due to the recession, there are now 15,000 fewer lawyers in the U.S. No one ever talks about the good things that come from a recession.” – Jay Leno
“Gov. Scott Walker is the new conservative hero. He could get the nomination for the Republican Party in 2012 because he has that special quality that every member of the Republican base can relate to — he’s a huge asshole.” – Bill Maher
“President Obama said he was always getting in trouble when he was in middle school. In fact, Obama said he talked so much during class, the teacher had to take away his teleprompter.” – Jimmy Fallon
“After 60 years of service the Dalai Lama is stepping down as the political leader of Tibet. He heard there was an opening on ‘Two and a Half Men.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Charlie Sheen — he’s our new national pastime. Sorry baseball, call me when your foul lines are drawn with coke.” – Stephen Colbert
“Charlie Sheen says he’s going to go to Haiti: ‘I want to show them what a real disaster looks like.'” – Conan O’Brien
