Political Irony

“Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich is a man who cheated on his first wife and left her while she was in bed with cancer. Then he cheated on his second wife with his current, third wife. I don’t think actual newts are this slimy.” – Bill Maher

“In a new interview, Newt Ginrich says he cheated on two of his wives because he was too consumed with love for his country. Yeah, apparently he misunderstood the phrase, ‘Please rise for the pledge of allegiance.'” – Conan O’Brien

“But, he didn’t ever have to go away. And now he’s going to run for president and lecture gays about the sanctity of marriage. I can’t even wrap my head around this. There are three women in America who agreed to fuck Newt Gingrich?!” – Bill Maher

© Tony Auth

“I’m upset that friend of the show Mike Huckabee criticized Natalie Portman for having a child out of wedlock. Listen, I’m no fan of unwed mothers either, but this is Natalie Portman we’re talking about. That unborn child is Luke Skywalker.” – Conan O’Brien

“Julianne Moore is going to play Sarah Palin in a new HBO movie. Julianne said, ‘But I know nothing about politics,’ and the producers said, ‘Perfect!'” – Craig Ferguson

“The President and First Lady attended a parent-teacher conference, and when they left, President Obama didn’t look very happy. Apparently Joe Biden’s being held back a grade.” – Craig Ferguson

“Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered a role in a sequel to ‘The Terminator.’ In this one he travels back in time and kills the person who suggested he run for Governor.” – Conan O’Brien

“In some countries Women’s Day is a national holiday and men give women flowers. In America Women’s Day falls on another holiday, Mardi Gras, where men give women beads in the respectful and post-feminist desire to see their naked boobies.” – Craig Ferguson

“In New Orleans tonight the streets are awash in necklaces. If only you could have waited a few weeks, Lindsay Lohan.” – Craig Ferguson

“Today residents of L.A. are voting on a tax on anything sold in a medical marijuana dispensary. If the measure passes the city could be solvent within 45 minutes.” – Conan O’Brien

“Airlines are considering charging for reclining seats. Also, your scrotum now counts as a carry-on bag.” – Stephen Colbert

“A flight attendant was fired from Virgin Airlines for placing a baby in an overhead compartment. To be fair, the baby did not fit under the seat.” – Conan O’Brien

“Today the Italian Prime Minister underwent 4 hours of dental surgery. It was his second-longest oral procedure of the day.” –Conan O’Brien

“In case you’re unfamiliar with the term, journalism is an old-time occupation like boot blacking or alchemy.” – Stephen Colbert

“Welcome back to the part of the program I’m legally obligated to devote to Charlie Sheen, our new National Pastime.” – Stephen Colbert

“This is the last voyage of the Space Shuttle, and President Obama called them in space today: ‘You’re not going to believe what’s happening with Charlie Sheen down here.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Charlie Sheen says he’s going to go to Haiti: ‘I want to show them what a real disaster looks like.'” – Conan O’Brien