“Gov. Scott Walker’s dispute with Wisconsin’s labor unions is making him unpopular with his constituents, who feel like he’s attacking his own people. That’s not good, because the only other guy doing that right now is Moammar Gadhafi.” – Jay Leno
“Protests continue in Libya. It was reported that most of the protests are being organized on a dating website, which explains why half the protest signs say ‘No Gadhafi’ and the other half say ‘No fatties.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Mexico’s president arrived in Washington. He’s here to do the work that American presidents won’t do.” – Jay Leno
“The president of Mexico, Felipe Calderon, visited the White House. He asked to meet with our country’s biggest importer of Mexican goods: Charlie Sheen.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Charlie Sheen joined Twitter and within two days, had 1.4 million people following him. To be fair, most of those people work for the Center for Disease Control.” – Conan O’Brien
“Charlie Sheen said that he’s now more popular than President Obama, at which point Mike Huckabee accused him of growing up in Kenya.” – Jay Leno
“Bill Clinton has turned down an offer to appear on ’30 Rock.’ He’s too busy mulling over an offer to star in ‘Two and a Half Men.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid now wants to outlaw prostitution. Let’s make politicians illegal and keep the hookers. At least they’re upfront about screwing you.” – Jay Leno
“A new report found that the U.S. spends more than $5 billion on redundant government programs. Another report found that the U.S. spends more than $5 billion on redundant government programs.” – Jimmy Fallon
“In a new book, the Pope exonerates the Jews for the death of Jesus. Well, not a moment too soon. He really nipped that one in the bud.” – Jay Leno
“Jessica Simpson’s various product lines are expected to gross over a billion dollars this year. How embarrassing is this for President Obama, that Jessica Simpson has a better business plan than he does?” – Jay Leno
“According to a new study, the average man in Britain will spend 10,000 hours in a bar and 11 years in front of the TV. In this country we know how to multitask. We drink our beer in front of the TV.” – Jay Leno
“I love tax season. My accountant says that I can save a lot of money if I declare my show a church.” – David Letterman
