“Economists say that with all this unrest, gas prices could rise to $5 a gallon. The good news is that instead of this money going to ruthless America-hating dictators, it will go to ruthless America-hating democracies.” – Jay Leno
“In 50 years, gas-powered cars will be antiquated. You’ll only see them in museums, or in Jay Leno’s garage.” – Craig Ferguson
“Moammar Gadhafi has promised to die defending his regime. He’s the kind of guy that has a bad idea and just sticks with it.” – Craig Ferguson
“Gadhafi was rambling on military TV and no one was paying attention. Now he’s crossed the line, because that’s my thing.” – Craig Ferguson
“Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has said Gadhafi has gone too far. That’s like an Australian bartender telling you that you’ve had too much to drink.” – Craig Ferguson
“All these regimes are toppling, and today the King of Saudi Arabia announced a $37 billion handout to his people, and I thought, ‘Now there’s a coincidence.'” – Craig Ferguson
“The king of Saudi Arabia announced that he is giving his people $37 billion in subsidies and payments. It’s not a stimulus package, it’s a ‘don’t overthrow me’ package.” – Jay Leno
“Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he wants to outlaw prostitution in his home state of Nevada. Prostitutes say they’re not going to take this lying down. For less than $50 bucks an hour.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he wants to outlaw prostitution in his home state of Nevada. He said he wants to keep prostitution where it belongs — in Washington, D.C.” – Jimmy Fallon
“George Clooney says he’s had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy.” – Conan O’Brien
“A new poll shows that Donald Trump could beat President Obama in 2012. The poll was taken by Trump Polls International.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama has appointed AOL founder Steve Case to the White House jobs council. Hiring the founder of AOL is expensive, but Obama got a CD-ROM in the mail that offered 100 free hours.” – Jimmy Fallon
