“Happy Presidents Day. This is a day when we celebrate history by getting great deals on mattresses.” – Craig Ferguson
“I’m glad we have a day for the presidents, but shouldn’t we have a day for Congress when the Senate and the House can kick back and not worry about getting anything done? Oh, wait.” – Craig Ferguson
“It’s not fun to be president. Half the country hates you and the other half is disappointed in you. I know exactly what that’s like.” – Craig Ferguson
“A lot of people have Presidents Day off, especially people who work for the government, like postal workers — and investment bankers.” – Craig Ferguson
“Happy Presidents Day. Or, as it’s being called in the Middle East, Happy Overthrow Your Presidents Day.” – Conan O’Brien
“People in Libya want Moammar Gadhafi to leave. The problem is, he’ll be replaced by his idiot son, Moammar W. Gadhafi.” – David Letterman
“In Libya this could be the end for strongman and exhausted Lionel Ritchie impersonator Moammar Khadafy. With any luck we’ll get to see citizens storm the Palace and Moammar’s posse of 40 to 50 female bodyguards defend him. That news footage will be golden. The menacing click-clack of razor-sharp 5-inch stiletto heels. Choreographed waves of 6-foot amazons spin-kicking protesters in the jaw. It’ll be like a Janet Jackson video.” – Stephen Colbert
“Yemen’s president says that despite protests, he won’t leave office. His exact words were, ‘The Oscars are Sunday, I have a widescreen TV at the palace. You do the math.'” – Conan O’Brien
“They’re calling the Middle East uprisings the ‘Jasmine Revolution.’ Historians say it’s the first revolution that could double as a new scent of Febreze.” – Conan O’Brien
“There’s a real threat to tyrants who have used brutal tactics to seize power. The one who should really be worried is Leno.” – David Letterman
“If Gov. Scott Walker is driven out of power in Wisconsin, there will be a power vacuum that may be filled by the Muslim Brotherhood.” – David Letterman
“President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha’s basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off.” – Conan O’Brien
“They say President Lincoln once walked three miles to pay back a penny. That makes him the last president to do anything about the debt.” – David Letterman
“President Taft was so fat that before he was elected to the Oval Office it was square.” – Craig Ferguson
“Bill Clinton recently revealed that he only sent two e-mails while he was President. Then he added, “And it turns out those pills are just a scam.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Texas is reportedly going to give college students the right to carry guns on campus. So I guess that next semester, every college student in Texas is getting straight A’s.” – Conan O’Brien
