“Experts say that what happened in Egypt proves that countries in the Middle East can move toward democracy without the U.S. invading them. George W. Bush said, ‘Now you tell me.'” – Jay Leno
“The military is now running Egypt. Well, that never goes wrong, does it?” – David Letterman
“Now that Hosni Mubarak is out of office, they’re saying he’s an old tyrant, decrepit, and out of touch. Oh wait, that’s me.” – David Letterman
“President Obama was in San Francisco today, meeting with a group of technology executives, including Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. Their goal is to figure out how to create new jobs, to replace jobs that have been lost as a result of everyone spending all their time at work on Facebook.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The President hopes that, based on the success of programs like Farmville, a million new imaginary jobs can be created by the year 2012.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Arkansas Congressman Steve Womack has proposed cutting funding for President Obama’s teleprompter. Oh man, when Obama finds out he’s going to be speechless.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Watson the computer crushed its human opponents on ‘Jeopardy.’ This is the greatest victory of machine over man since the election of Arnold Schwarzenegger.” – Jay Leno
“Borders Books has filed for bankruptcy and will close all 200 of its superstores. When Sarah Palin heard that she went, ‘Finally, we’re closing the borders.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Forty years since the War on Drugs began. This makes Charlie Sheen our most decorated veteran.” – Jay Leno
“Kim Jong Il just turned 70 years old — but he doesn’t look a day over crazy.” – Craig Ferguson
