“On Thursday Hosni Mubarak said he would not leave Egypt until he was dead. On Friday the crowd said, ‘Deal!’ So he fled.” – Jay Leno
“Former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is thinking of moving to Los Angeles. Before you get him a roommate, just know that he’s really hard to evict.” – Conan O’Brien
“Hosni Mubarak reportedly didn’t understand the Internet and social networking. That may be true, but somehow he figured out how to wire $80 billion to Switzerland.” – David Letterman
“President Obama delivered his 2012 budget to Congress yesterday, but it probably won’t get much action, since they still haven’t yet passed a budget for 2011. But to be fair, they have been busy posting shirtless photos of themselves on Craigslist.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump said that he’s not a fan of George W. Bush because he ‘gave us Obama.’ When he heard this, Bush was like, ‘Oh my gosh. I’m Obama’s dad?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“First lady Michelle Obama told ‘Regis & Kelly’ she was expecting jewelry on Valentine’s Day. She said it wouldn’t be anything extravagant because Barack tends to be responsible when he’s spending his own money.” – Jay Leno
“Breast feeding activists plan to descend on Washington for a public breast feeding demonstration. Also descending on Washington, thousands of men saying, “What? I’m looking at the baby.” – Conan O’Brien
“The New York Times says new cars will no longer be equipped with cassette players. Come on, it’s 2011. People still read newspapers?” – Jimmy Fallon
“Facebook is looking into buying Twitter for around $10 billion. If all goes as planned, the company hopes to combine the two companies, creating the biggest waste of time the world has ever seen.” – Jay Leno
