“Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is the richest man in the world, with more than $70 billion in hidden assets. That will go up even more once his unemployment kicks in.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Hosni Mubarak is supposedly worth around $80 billion. He claims to have saved the money by properly inflating his tires.” – David Letterman
“Dick Cheney says that Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is a ‘good friend.’ Why am I not surprised by this?” – David Letterman
“An Egyptian Google executive has become a hero to Egyptian protestors for a Facebook page he created. Still no luck selling his futon on Craigslist, though.” – Conan O’Brien
“Joe Biden announced plans for a $53 billion train system. To offset the cost, they’re raising the price of a train ticket to $53 billion.” – Craig Ferguson
“Vice presidents love technology: Joe Biden with the trains, Al Gore with the Internet, and Dick Cheney with the electric torture clamps.” – Craig Ferguson
“Nancy Pelosi described Justin Bieber as ‘adorable but also substantial,’ while Justin Bieber described Nancy Pelosi as ‘court ordered to maintain a distance of 300 feet at all times.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The economics professor who helped craft President Obama’s healthcare plan is going to explain that plan in a comic book. As a result, President Bush has now come out in favor of Obama’s healthcare plan.” – Conan O’Brien
“Michelle Obama says her husband, President Obama, has quit smoking. Fox News reported this as ‘Obama Destroying the Tobacco Industry.'” – Craig Ferguson
“President Obama urged private businesses to hire more workers. He didn’t realize that only the government hires more people than it needs.” – Jay Leno
“The literary world has been abuzz after Bristol Palin released a 304-page memoir. At her age, it’s not called a memoir, it’s called a diary.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Catholic Church has approved a new app that lets you make confessions over your iPhone. It also raises the possibility of accidentally butt-dialing God.” – Conan O’Brien
“Washington, D.C. is updating its traffic cameras to enforce traffic laws. How about enforcing bribery and corruption laws?” – Jay Leno
“Recent storms have been very tough on New York City. Just today, Mayor Bloomberg was busy cutting the ribbon on a new pothole.” – David Letterman
“There was a power outage at Newark Airport. Who wants a TSA pat-down with the lights off?” – Jay Leno
“Peru has changed its national anthem. It wasn’t too hard to change the lyrics. They just let Christina Aguilera sing it.” – Jay Leno
