“I wouldn’t blame our political rhetoric any more than I would blame heavy metal music for Columbine. And that is coming from someone who truly hates our political environment.” – Jon Stewart
“I do think that it’s a worthwhile goal not to conflate our political opponents with our enemies, if for no other reason than to draw a better distinction between the manifestos of paranoid mad men and what passes for acceptable political and pundit speak. It would be really nice if the ramblings of crazy people didn’t in any way resemble how we actually talk to each other on TV. Let’s at least make troubled individuals easier to spot.” – Jon Stewart
“Lawmakers are getting tough on bullying. New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie signed some of the toughest anti-bullying laws in the nation. Then someone gave Christie a wedgie and said, ‘Ha ha. You’ve got a girl’s last name.'” – Conan O’Brien
“John Edwards has denied ‘The National Enquirer’ story that he asked his mistress to marry him. Who are you gonna believe, the sleazy purveyor of lies or ‘The National Enquirer’?” – Jay Leno
“Last night was possibly the last show ever of ‘Sarah Palin’s Alaska,’ for several reasons. She might run for President and would have to abide by the equal time rules. Also, she just likes to quit things.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A new study shows that a woman’s tears can chemically lower the level of testosterone in a man. When that happens, the man will also start to cry and then eventually be elected speaker of the House.” – Jay Leno
“California Congresswoman Lynn Woolsey referred to the war in Afghanistan as a ‘national embarrassment.’ Then she watched the premiere of ‘Jersey Shore’ and was like, ‘Never mind.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Illinois officials report that drug sniffing dogs are wrong as much as 70 percent of the time — probably because they’re sniffing drugs all day.” – Jay Leno
“The Obama administration announced that the economy added 103,000 new jobs in December — mostly to homeless radio announcers.” – Jay Leno
“Over 400 people have volunteered to take a one-way trip to Mars to begin colonization. The last people we want starting a civilization on Mars are the people that volunteer to do it.” – Jimmy Fallon
