“The Republicans now control the House, and they say their plan is to stick to a strict interpretation of the original Constitution. So I hope you didn’t like voting, women and non-whites.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“They’re also hoping to cut back on government regulation on Wall Street. I think we can all agree that Wall Street does a good job policing itself.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Now that the Republicans have taken over the House, they’re going to undo everything President Obama has done. John Boehner even told the Obama kids that the dog has to go back.” – David Letterman
“We have a new Speaker of the House, John Boehner. His new slogan: ‘Four more tears.'” – Jay Leno
“The last speaker, Nancy Pelosi has a frozen face and John Boehner has an orange face. If you put them together, you’ve got the Creamsicle of the House.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Congress was broadcast live on Facebook for the first time in history. Now you can waste time and not get work done by watching Congress waste time and not get work done.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama plans to sign a $1.4 billion food safety bill. The most dangerous thing about American food? The portions.” – Jay Leno
“Why is it no human being can withstand more than two years as a presidential press secretary? There must be an organ somewhere in the body that can only filter two years worth of heavy duty bullsh*t.” – Jon Stewart (speaking about Robert Gibbs’ retirement)
“Jerry Brown is Governor of California again. How California is that, hooking up with your ex years later?” – Jay Leno
“McCain stands now less a paragon of straight talk and independence for new members to admire, and more like an object lesson of how fucking mad someone gets when they don’t get their way.” – Jon Stewart
“They now say that our national debt will have to be paid off by our children. So thank God for Kate Gosselin and the Octomom.” – Jay Leno
“Thousands of birds fell dead in Arkansas. It’s either al-Qaida, or Dick Cheney is hunting again.” – David Letterman
“The commander of the USS Enterprise was relieved of duty because of his involvement in making raunchy videos while onboard the Navy ship. The good news: Today he was offered a job as a producer on ‘Jersey Shore.'” – Jay Leno
“A man was arrested for masturbating while on a flight. He said he was just finishing what the TSA guy started. Now would that be a skyjacking?” – Jay Leno
