“A new study found that there are only 786 mountain gorillas left in the world, and that number could go down even further after the premier of the new show, ‘Sarah Palin’s Congo.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michele Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn’t tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes she should tell us what to do.” – David Letterman
“Sarah Palin is angry that Michelle Obama is suggesting that parents encourage their kids to eat healthy. Palin thinks that if we have healthy children, the terrorists have won.” – David Letterman
“A new poll shows President Obama ahead of Sarah Palin 54 percent to 39 percent in a potential match up. You know what that means? John McCain could get Barack Obama elected twice.” – Jay Leno
“It was so cold in Washington, President Obama got into bed with the Republicans just for the warmth.” – Jay Leno
“Happy birthday to Chinese President Hu Jintao. President Obama was going to get him a present, but it’s a little weird buying someone a gift with their own money.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Vice President Joe Biden said there has been no ‘substantive damage’ to the United States by Julian Assange in the whole WikiLeaks scandal. He says it has been embarrassing, but you can’t prosecute people for embarrassing the United States. If that were true, Joe Biden would be serving life in prison.” – Jay Leno
“Madame Tussauds’ wax museum in Washington, D.C. will open a new gallery next year featuring all 44 presidents. The Obama statue is very lifelike. In fact, Biden spent an hour telling it about his weekend.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A group of TSA workers at LAX airport have formed a choir to sing to passengers. That’s just what you want, a guy with his hands down your pants going, ‘Do you feel what I feel?'” – Jay Leno
“On a flight from Cuba to Canada, a man threatened to shoot flight attendants after they stopped serving him drinks. He has been charged with making death threats and if convicted, he could lose his pilot’s license.” – Jay Leno
“The Pilgrims landed on this date in 1620. The first year they lost everything they had, in an Indian casino.” – David Letterman
“Today is the winter solstice. It’s the shortest day of the year, so congratulations, midgets.” – Craig Ferguson
“A theater in Chicago is staging a version of Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol” where the actors are all Klingons. It honors the true meaning of Christmas, since the audience is full of virgins.” – Conan O’Brien
