“Congress repealed ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’. The Pentagon can now start production on ‘Iraq the Musical.'” – David Letterman
“The Senate voted to allow gay soldiers to serve in the military. This is good news for gay soldiers, but bad news for straight soldiers who were going to say they were gay to get out of the Army.” – Conan O’Brien
“Now if you’re in the military and want to engage in gay activity you just have to fill out the HB-290 Homosexual Behavior Requisition Form.” – David Letterman
“This weekend there were big Christmas sales, Congress repealed Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and the President signed the tax-cut extension bill. So if you’re a gay soldier who’s also a millionaire, looking for tax-refund money to go Christmas shopping, this was the time of your life.” – Jay Leno
“John McCain was opposed to repealing ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,’ though he admitted that he probably served with gay soldiers during the Civil War.” – David Letterman
“President Obama read his new children’s book to a classroom of second-graders in Virginia. It did not go well. Fifty-nine percent of the kids disapproved, and 83 percent of the children felt the story was headed in the wrong direction. ” – Jay Leno
“WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange is out on bail and under house arrest at a 600-acre estate. That will teach him.” – David Letterman
“A women’s sanitary products company has released a new ad campaign saying their product will protect you from Wikileaks. At least it’s better than their last slogan: ‘Caps your spill faster than BP.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Last night on ‘Sarah Palin’s Alaska,’ the Palins went white water rafting with a guide named Mudflap. It was such an odd name Sarah Palin asked, “Are you sure you’re not one of my kids?” – Jimmy Fallon
“Levi Johnston reportedly has a new girlfriend in Alaska named Sunny Oglesby. Which raises an interesting question: Is there anyone in Alaska with a normal human name?” – Jimmy Fallon
“It has been raining hard here in Los Angeles. We have gotten so much water, illegal immigrants are literally coming in waves.” – Jay Leno
