“Congress has voted to extend the Bush tax cuts. Is it me, or is George W. Bush getting more done now than when he was in office?” – Jay Leno
“Michelle Obama wore a vintage thrift-store dress from the 1950s for the Christmas in Washington concert. She’s not the only one going vintage. In fact, her husband just agreed to a tax plan from the early 2000s.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama met with leaders of 60 American Indian tribes. I don’t want to say the country’s in bad shape, but he offered to give it back to them.” – Jay Leno
“The president was honored by the Indians with his own Indian name. They now call him, ‘Dances With Republicans.'” – Jay Leno
“A lot of companies had their Christmas parties tonight. A lot of people couldn’t make it because their company is in India.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama was talking with school kids yesterday and said he walked their dog Bo on the White House lawn and picked up his poop. They should probably have someone else do that. Obama’s not good at cleaning up messes other people have left for him.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Last night was Larry King’s final show. Should we tell him?” – David Letterman
“On his last show, Larry King told Bill Clinton they were both members of the Zipper Club because they both had open heart surgery. Clinton was, “Uh, yeah, that’s why I’m a member of the Zipper Club…” – Jimmy Fallon
“The EPA just announced that the artificial sweetener saccharin is not a cancer threat after all. Or as I’ll be reporting the story 10 years from now, ‘The EPA just announced that the artificial sweetener saccharin is definitely a cancer threat after all.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The WikiLeaks guy is under house arrest with a strict curfew. If there’s anything a guy who leaks secret government documents respects, it’s a curfew.” – David Letterman
