“A new survey finds that although his approval ratings are low, President Obama is still ahead of the most prominent Republicans. Have you seen his tax plan? He is the most prominent Republican.” – Jay Leno
“The Obamas had their dog, Bo, sign their Christmas card this year with a paw print. But Bo only agreed to do it after Obama agreed to extend the Bush-era treats policy.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Apparently, a fourth panel of the Metrodome’s roof collapsed last night, sending more snow crashing onto the field. The last time I saw something cave in so often, he was giving a press conference at the White House.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A group of TSA agents has formed a choir to entertain travelers as they go through security. It’s not helping that the only song they sing is Journey’s ‘Loving, Touching, Squeezing.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Several TSA officers have formed a holiday choir at the Los Angeles International Airport. Which, of course, answers the question: How can going through airport security possibly get any worse?” – Jimmy Fallon
“WikiLeaks editor Julian Assange was granted bail by a London court. At a press conference, Assange said he will not be silenced, and then told everyone who their secret Santa is.” – Conan O’Brien
“Julian Assange was released from custody. It’s a good thing, because he was behind on his holiday leaking.” – David Letterman
“This Christmas season, the post office will handle 10 billion packages. They won’t deliver them, they’ll just handle them.” – David Letterman
“Al-Qaida is planning Christmas attacks in the U.S. and Europe. The U.S. government sprang into action and told al-Qaida, ‘Hey, you cannot call them Christmas attacks, you have to call them holiday attacks.'” – Jay Leno
“In Abu Dhabi, there’s an $11 million Christmas tree. The prime minister of Abu Dhabi said he hoped the tree would be a symbol that Abu Dhabi has a lot more money than us. And that we’re paying far too much for gas.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The House has voted to repeal the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy. Nancy Pelosi said, ‘Now’s the time to act,’ meaning before Democrats lose their majority in a couple of weeks. Which raises the question: Why didn’t they act the last four years when they had the majority?” – Jay Leno
“The most annoying word of the year is ‘whatever.’ As always, No. 2 is ‘Limbaugh.'” – David Letterman
“According to a new Rasmussen poll, only 23 percent say America is heading in the right direction. In Mexico, it’s different. There, 77 percent say the right direction is heading to America.” – Jay Leno
