“Today President Obama met with a group of top CEOs to discuss creating new jobs. They said they’d see what they could do and then all went back to China.” – Conan O’Brien
“The Marine Corps’ top general suggested allowing gay soldiers on the battlefield would pose a distraction. Especially the really hot ones.” – Conan O’Brien
“Mark Zuckerberg was named Time’s Person of the Year. I’m sorry if you don’t recognize the name. A magazine is something people used to read.” – Craig Ferguson
“Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time magazine’s Person of the Year. They said he has single-handedly changed the way we waste time at work.” – Jay Leno
“According to new census data, Falls Church, Va. is the best-educated area in the U.S. Least educated? Sarah Palin’s Alaska. ” –Jimmy Fallon
“The Golden Globes will have an unusual category this year: ‘Outstanding Performance by an Animal Killed by Sarah Palin.'” – David Letterman
“Two feet of snow in the Midwest. But the good news is, these are the first shovel-ready jobs Obama has come up with since becoming president.” – Jay Leno
“It was so cold in Minneapolis, Brett Favre was texting pictures of his chestnuts roasting over an open fire.” – Jay Leno
“Larry King has been married more times than Henry the Eighth. We used to have that rhyme to keep track of them. ‘Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived.’ With Larry I think it goes, ‘Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable.'” – Craig Ferguson
