“Part-time Governor Sarah Palin shot and killed a reindeer on last week’s TV show. And that was her Christmas special. Took her three shots. Well, she’s rusty. Last thing she brought down was John McCain.” – David Letterman
“On Sarah Palin’s next show she gets together with Kate Gosselin and her kids. This may be the biggest meeting of media whores since Michael and Dina Lohan got together to conceive Lindsay.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama has extended the Bush-era tax cuts. Great. Let’s extend the policies of the guy who gave us the greatest recession in the history of the planet.” – David Letterman
“The tax cut deal means tax cuts for the rich and benefits for the unemployed. If you work for a living, you’re screwed.” – Jay Leno
“So it’s Bush tax cuts for two more years, and then it’ll be up to President Palin.” – David Letterman
“China is holding about a trillion dollars in U.S. debt. Next time you go for Chinese food and the bill comes, tell them to put it on the tab.” – Jay Leno
“According to a report, the worst drivers in the country are in Washington, D.C. Republicans can only turn right, Democrats can only turn left, and Obama is weaving all over the place.” – Jay Leno
“The White House Christmas tree took four-and-a-half days to set up. You know how much twine it takes to strap a pine tree to the top of Air Force One?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Going through airport security, you have a choice of being groped or photographed nude. Why can’t we have both?” – David Letterman
“The WikiLeaks founder is being sought by Swedish authorities on charges of sexual assault. He says, if he’s arrested, he’ll release a poison pill of encoded documents, including ones about UFOs. Arrest him. I want to hear about the UFOs.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A new study found that American schoolchildren rank 25th in math, 17th in science, and 14th in reading which, according to my calculations, means we’re in third place. We’re still leading in P.E., recess, and shop.” – Jimmy Kimmel
