“Rep. Peter King says WikiLeaks presents a clear and present danger to our national security and should be branded a terrorist organization. Former Vice President Dick Cheney says we should waterboard the Internet.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“WikiLeaks shows our allies are also funding the terrorists. So we’re like the commissionless middlemen in a war we’re waging against ourselves.” – Jon Stewart
“WikiLeaks released more than 250,000 secret documents, some of which refer to computer passwords for world leaders. The most shocking revelation: Kofi Annan’s password is ‘BieberFan9.'” – Conan O’Brien
“WikiLeaks gets all the secret stuff, even the truth about Lady Gaga. Apparently there’s meat UNDER the dress too.” – Craig Ferguson
“President Obama announced a two-year pay freeze for all federal employees. This means the next time the TSA agent is reaching into your pockets, he’s looking for spare change.” – Jay Leno
“The Airport screening rule is they can only touch your breasts and groin area over clothes. Same rule my high school prom date had.” – Jay Leno
“American Airlines is going to offer happy hour on its flights in December. TSA is feeling us up. The airline is giving us free booze. We don’t even have to make Friday night plans anymore. Just book a flight.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Promoting his new book, President Bush visited the headquarters of Facebook. Unfortunately, he spent the whole visit on Farmville, clearing brush.” – Conan O’Brien
“A 19-year-old Somali man was arrested in Portland for allegedly planning to detonate a bomb at a Christmas tree lighting ceremony. His parents are devastated. He had such a promising career as a pirate.” – Jay Leno
“A Senator from Oklahoma says he won’t participate in his state’s holiday parade unless they put Christ back in the title. So get ready for this year’s ‘Christ, It’s Cold Out Parade.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Six in 10 Mexicans believe life is better in the United States. The other 4 out of the 10 already live here.” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday John McCain announced, ‘We must bring about a regime change in North Korea.’ To which the waitress replied, “Sir, if you don’t order now you’ll miss the early bird special.” – Jay Leno
