“According to the TSA, most of the people protesting the new body search procedures are men. At last they’re getting to see what it’s like to be groped by someone who won’t take no for an answer.” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday a woman wore a bikini to LAX airport hoping to avoid the patdown. She is still being patted down.” – Conan O’Brien
“I’m sure everyone is already missing their loved ones. And by loved ones, I mean the TSA guys that give you the pat-down.” – Craig Ferguson
“In a recent interview, Sarah Palin said we must stand with our North Korean allies. When she was corrected she said, ‘Listen, geometry was never my strong suit.'” – Jay Leno
“In a recent interview, Sarah Palin said we have to stand with ‘our North Korean allies.’ When told that North Korea is not our ally, Palin said, ‘Sorry, I meant East Korean allies.'” – Conan O’Brien
“WikiLeaks has released thousands of classified documents that could be detrimental to the United States. Usually, when something this embarrassing about the United States is revealed, it’s because Joe Biden said it.” – Jay Leno
“WikiLeaks is a website that gets a hold of classified information and releases it to the public. They get all kinds of top secret stuff: White House memos, government e-mails, the truth about Lady Gaga …” – Craig Ferguson
“Federal workers have had their pay frozen for two years. The worst part is that the workers found out on WikiLeaks.” – Jay Leno
“The name ‘WikiLeaks’ doesn’t sounds like espionage. It sounds like Barbara Walters interviewing Ricky Martin.” – Craig Ferguson
“President Obama was elbowed during a basketball game and had to receive 12 stitches. Obama said it was almost as embarrassing as the time he was dunked on by Barney Frank.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama needed 12 stitches after taking an elbow to the mouth during a basketball game, but he learned a valuable lesson: Don’t get in the way of Hillary’s tomahawk jab.” – Craig Ferguson
“President Obama took an elbow to the face last week and had to get 12 stitches. He was in line at Best Buy trying to get a $49 Blu-ray player.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Black Friday shopping can get very rough. You would think his ears would protect him from flying elbows.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Monday was a big online shopping day called ‘Cyber Monday.’ Immediately followed by ‘Identity Theft Tuesday.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Michelle Obama is hoping to put salad bars in 5,000 school cafeterias. They expect as many as 3 students to use them.” – Jay Leno
