“The White House is working on a new terror alert system. Instead of colors it’s going to tell how handsie the TSA agents are going to be. Yellow stands for cop a feel. Orange stands for gentle junk swipe, and red stands for full-on sextickle.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Rush Limbaugh on the radio yesterday told President Obama, ‘Keep your hands off my tea bag.’ Don’t worry, Rush, even special ops couldn’t find your tea bag.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“There was supposed to be a protest, but nobody opted out of the full-body scans, maybe because of the signs TSA posted: ‘If you are embarrassed by your penis size, you may opt out of being scanned.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“People lined up for days to see the new ‘Harry Potter’ movie. The movie is called ‘Harry Potter and the Long Line of Single People.’ It’s just nice seeing a long line these days where nobody is getting their junk touched.” – Conan O’Brien
“A special thanks to our audience tonight. You must really hate your relatives to come down here on Thanksgiving Day. The original Thanksgiving with the Pilgrims lasted three days. That was before we learned we could eat three days worth of food in one day.” – Jay Leno
“Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I have a lot to be thankful for: I have a new studio, a new show, I never have to watch Bristol Palin dance again…” – Conan O’Brien
“Bristol Palin lost to Jennifer Grey in the finale of ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ The good news is, when a Palin loses they tend to just quietly disappear.” – Conan O’Brien
“Bristol Palin came in third in ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ Sarah Palin is not at all happy with the decision – she’s already planning to refudiate it.” – Jay Leno
“On Glenn Beck’s radio show yesterday, Sarah Palin accidentally said, ‘We have to stand with our North Korean allies.’ Then Palin was like, ‘Wait. North Korea’s the one in the south, right?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Pope said in an interview recently that the use of condoms is acceptable under certain circumstances. For instance, if you’re dating someone from the cast of ‘Jersey Shore.'” – Jay Leno
“Bill Clinton is auctioning off a dinner with him and three of your friends for charity. When asked what the cause was, he said, ‘Cause Hillary’s out of town.'” – Jimmy Fallon
