“This year marks the first Thanksgiving in which travelers will get molested before they get to their uncle’s house.” – Seth Meyers
“At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what’s the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down.” – Jay Leno
“‘Has anyone handled your bags?’ ‘Yes. You. Right now.'” – Seth Meyers
“You know, if I wanted somebody halfheartedly patting my groin without eye contact, I’d get married.” – Seth Meyers
“One of those airport naked scan images ended up on the internet. And you know who it was? Brett Favre. What are the odds?” – Jay Leno
“Vice President Joe Biden turned 68 years old. President Obama was so excited. He asked Biden to attend the party for him.” – David Letterman
“Happy birthday to Vice President Joe Biden. President Obama got him a gag gift. Not a funny gift, an actual gag.” – Jay Leno
“At the dedication of his Presidential Library, George W. Bush said it’s long been his dream to build a building for teenagers to drink behind.” – Seth Meyers
“President Obama has a tough decision to make this week. Which turkey does he pardon — the thanksgiving one or Charlie Rangel?” – Jay Leno
“The Capitol Hill Christmas tree is on its way, and once it gets to Washington it’ll die in committee.” – David Letterman
“President Obama said GM’s comeback would be the success story of this recession. GM said it wanted to thank those who made its recovery possible: Toyota’s brakes, Toyota’s steering and Toyota’s accelerator.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A group of economists unveiled a new plan to reduce the deficit by $6 trillion in the next 10 years. The first step of the plan is to look at all our spending over the past five years, determine what’s unnecessary … and then ask China for $6 trillion.” – Jimmy Fallon
“On this day in 1863 President Abraham Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg Address. Following the address, the rebuttal was given by John McCain. Lincoln’s speech was so successful that right after it, TBS offered him the 10 p.m. slot.” – David Letterman
