Political Irony

“This will be a rough week for President Obama. He’s got a lame duck Congress, he has to pardon a turkey, he has to eat crow, and the Chinese just flipped him the bird. It’s been a fowl week.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama’s picture book for kids is coming out. That’s when you know things have changed — when Bush writes a 500-page memoir and Obama hands in a coloring book.” – Jimmy Fallon

“You can tell President Obama wrote his children’s book a few years ago. It lists 13 great Americans and they include Bernie Madoff, Tiger Woods, and Charlie Sheen.” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama wrote a children’s book. If only one person reads it, it will be double the number of people that read the healthcare bill.” – Jay Leno

“All of the royalties from Obama’s book sales will go to an organization that really needs the money: the Obama re-election company.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama is back home after his ten-day trip to Asia. On the way back, yesterday, air force one made a stop in Anchorage, Alaska, which is hopefully the only time we’ll hear air force one and Anchorage, Alaska in the same sentence.” – Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin’s new reality show premiered last night on TLC. Huge ratings. 5 Million viewers. The biggest premiere in the history of that network. If you didn’t see it, basically it’s Jon and Kate plus about four meets the deadliest catch. It’s Ice Road Soccer Mom.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“‘Sarah Palin’s Alaska’ got huge ratings for its premiere. It was followed by ‘John McCain’s Mesopotamia.'” – Jay Leno

“Early on in the first episode Sarah Palin talked about trying to protect her family’s privacy while speaking directly into a television camera.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“There was a funny moment on Palin’s show when the Palins approached a brown bear and asked to see its papers.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Arizona just became the 15th state to approve medical marijuana. So I give it three days before they stop caring about the whole immigration thing.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Voters in Arizona have approved a measure allowing medical marijuana. Arizona is now the 15th state where you can pretend to have glaucoma.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Clinton is in Thailand and he just shot a cameo in the new movie the ‘Hangover 2.’ He was in Thailand giving a speech. He stopped by the set. You see that, he’s not a letch. Turns out all these years he’s just been preparing for a role. He’s a method actor. Thailand movie set, bachelor party, what could possibly go wrong? Hillary must be delighted. ‘You did what in Thailand?'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Speaking of former presidents, I’m not making this up. Former President Clinton apparently has a cameo in he new “Hangover 2″ movie. Yep. When asked why Clinton is in the movie, the producers said there are some things Mike Tyson will not do.” –Conan O’Brien

“For Republicans, Bill Clinton is like a fine wine – the more you drink, the harder it is to remember, ‘Oh, I f*cking hate wine!'” – Jon Stewart

“Bill Clinton is going to appear in a movie, he has a small part in a movie called the Hangover 2. George W. Bush also next year will be seen in the new Jackass movie.” – David Letterman

“Reports suggest that parts of former President Bush’s new book may have been lifted from other books. Especially the parts about Dumbledore and Voldemort.” – Conan O’Brien

“Bernie Madoff’s underpants were sold at an auction. They were from ‘Fraud of the Loom.'” – David Letterman

“They sold a lot of Madoff’s cold weather clothing. He won’t need that where he’s going.” – David Letterman

“Madoff was upset that his wife sold her engagement ring for $500,000, because he hoped to give it to his new fiancé, Walt.” – David Letterman

“TSA agents can now feel the inside of passengers’ thighs. I get more action going through airline security than I did all through high school.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In San Diego, a man refused to be patted down by airport security and some people are calling him a hero. I don’t mind being patted down by airport security, but I don’t like it when the guy says, ‘Now you do me.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Rep. John Boehner is the new speaker of the House. Turn-ons include tax cuts and spray tans.” – Craig Ferguson

“The lame duck Congress started today. Not to be confused with before the election — that was a lame-ass excuse for a Congress.” – Jay Leno