“I finally read former President Bush’s memoir, and I’ve got to say, the book was way better than the presidency.” – Jimmy Fallon
“George W. Bush says he is glad to be out of the Oval Office because he doesn’t have to think all the time. And I’m thinking wait a minute, that was him thinking all the time? Really?” – David Letterman
“George W. Bush was signing copies of his new memoir ‘Decision Points’ at a Borders Bookstore yesterday. Did you hear about that? Yeah, when he saw the bookstore, he was like, ‘I heard about these places, but I never believed they were real.’ I’m not even wearing special glasses. This is great.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“JetBlue is appointing retired Gen. Stanley McChrystal to its board of directors. That’s who I want looking for my missing luggage — the guy who’s been trying to find bin Laden for 10 years.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Twenty-thousand Indonesians protested President Obama’s visit to Indonesia. Apparently, 3 out of 4 Indonesians believe he’s an American.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama is still out of the country but he’s keeping in contact with Vice President Joe Biden to find out when it’s safe to come back home.” – Jay Leno
“The Pentagon says it doesn’t know who is responsible for launching a missile off the California coast on Monday. Meanwhile, Sasha and Malia can’t believe the awesome new video game they just found in the White House.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Nancy Pelosi is throwing a party to celebrate her time as speaker of the House. If you would like to get her a gift, she’s registered at Bed, Bath and Don’t Blame Me.” – Jay Leno
“I’m not sure what kind of a party it will be, but I think we can rule out a tea party.” –Jay Leno
“I don’t know if you guys saw this, but Bristol Palin made it to the semifinals of “Dancing with the Stars” last night. I’m not saying Bristol is going to win, but if there’s one thing she’s known for, it’s going all the way. So I would put my money, put it all on Bristol Palin.” – Jimmy Fallon
