“Former president George W. Bush released his new memoir. By the way, ‘memoir’ is just a fancy word for ‘a bunch of stuff that happened to me.'” – Craig Ferguson
“In his new book, George W. Bush says he’s happy to be out of Washington. Well, it’s unanimous.” – David Letterman
“Bush’s memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.” – Craig Ferguson
“In the middle of the book is an Iraq maze which is pretty much impossible to get out of.” – Craig Ferguson
“Well George W. Bush is on the big book tour this week. During an interview with USA Today, Bush said that he was, ‘blindsided by the financial crisis.’ Bush said he was also blindsided by the fact that he knew the word blindsided.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Former President George W. Bush has written his memoir. It’s called Decision Points. I’ve already decided not to read it. … He’ll be everywhere promoting the book. He’s on the ‘Today Show.’ Going to be on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and tomorrow he’ll be on the Rachael Ray Show, waterboarding the veal cutlets.” – David Letterman
“No sir, I’m not going to read it until he reads it.” – David Letterman
“President Bush told Matt Lauer the most embarrassing thing he ever did drunk was ask a friend of his parents what sex was like after 50. That’s nothing. John McCain asked Sarah Palin to be his running mate when he was sober.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama is in India. You know what they say — go where the jobs are.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama was in India today. The President is touring Asia making trade deals. He signed a $10 billion pack with India this afternoon. He brokered a deal to make India part of the UN security council. And he was able to get a $15 late fee reversed on his Visa card.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Obama’s in India for two days and Republicans are already accusing him of being a Hindu.” – Jay Leno
“Hillary Clinton says she will not run again for President. Your move, Brett Favre.” – David Letterman
“When Hillary says she’s not running, is she really not running? Or just pulling a Leno?” – David Letterman
“Nancy Pelosi, who lost her position as Speaker of the House says she will seek to become the House Minority Leader. And really who better qualified to be House Minority Leader than the person who led their party to become a minority in the first place.” – Jay Leno
“Isn’t fall in New York City great? The colors are brown, gold, and orange. And that’s just John Boehner’s face.” – David Letterman
“MSNBC news anchor Keith Olbermann will be back to work on Wednesday after being suspended without pay for giving campaign contributions to Democratic candidates, which is against the rules at MSNBC. See, if only he had done like Eliot Spitzer and given his money to hookers, he would have gotten his own prime time show on CNN.” – Jay Leno
“Hundreds of people in Washington, D.C. reported seeing a UFO today. Aliens, if you’re searching for intelligent life, you’ve got the wrong town.” – Craig Ferguson
