“Clarence Thomas’s wife this week on Saturday morning calls up Anita Hill 19 years later to ask her to apologize. Drunk dial much? And she did the right thing. She apologized. She said I’m truly sorry you’re married to Clarence Thomas.” – Bill Maher
“Clarence Thomas’s ex-girlfriend came forward to say Anita Hill was right, he is a pervert. He was obsessed with porn and big breasts. And that’s just a taste of what’s in store on the next episode of Real Housewives of the Supreme Court.” – Bill Maher
“An amazing thing. This morning I get up to let the dog out into the backyard. Guess what? President Obama is out there talking about the economy.” – David Letterman
“In Washington, President Obama’s recent speech to a women’s conference was interrupted when his presidential seal on the podium fell off — two years early.” – Seth Meyers
“So you probably heard the presidential seal fell off the podium during a recent Obama speech. Know what they found on the back? His birth certificate.” – David Letterman
“Apparently the Octomom still has 29 frozen embryos, which is almost enough to give one to each Chilean miner. I think it’s time for President Obama to build a border fence around the Octomom’s uterus.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Juan Williams was fired by NPR. He told Bill O’Reilly that people in Muslim garb getting on airplanes make him nervous. And I was appalled: this is America, if we can’t let a black man with a Latino name sh*t on Muslims to entertain a white guy, what do we have?”– Bill Maher
“Following Williams’ firing, several leading Republicans including Newt Gingrich, Mike Huckabee, and Sarah Palin, accused NPR of censorship and called for Congress to cut off federal funding for NPR. So in case you were wondering how much Republicans hate NPR, they’re siding with a black guy named Juan.” – Seth Meyers
“Fox News, on Thursday, hired news analyst Juan Williams just one day after National Public Radio fired him for making disparaging comments about Muslims. Marking the first time someone has been fired and hired for the same comment.” – Seth Meyers
“Isn’t America great? Here’s this guy Rick Sanchez. A guy you’ve never heard of. And now, he’s gone.” – David Letterman
“Last night on ‘Dancing With the Stars,’ Bristol Palin came out dressed in a gorilla costume. They say this is the closest a member of the Palin family has ever come to acknowledging evolution.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“An amazing week for idiocy in America. Glenn Beck said that evolution is ridiculous because he’s never seen a half-man, half-monkey. Christine O’Donnell did not know that the First Amendment was in the First Amendment. We are truly one nation indivisible on the short bus.” – Bill Maher
“Delaware Republican senate candidate Christine O’Donnell blamed her campaign’s recent troubles on unfair coverage in the “liberal media.” Yup, the liberal media used two of its favorite tricks on her: ‘Record’ and ‘Play.'” – Seth Meyers
“According to news reports, Christine O’Donnell’s father used to play Bozo the Clown. It must be weird when your father is a grown man dressing up like a clown, and you’re the embarrassment in the family.” – Jimmy Fallon
“How can you not know about the separation of church and state? Someone get this woman a copy of Schoolhouse Rock because this is ridiculous. Apparently they don’t teach the Constitution at Hogwarts.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“During a debate on Meet the Press, Colorado Republican Senate candidate Ken Buck said that he believes being gay is a choice. Interesting position, Ken Buck. Did your name choose to be gay?” – Seth Meyers
“One of the other nuts — Carl Paladino in New York state — they had a debate. I’ve never seen this in politics — he left before the debate was over to go to the bathroom. This is the best ad for Flomax I’ve ever seen.” – Bill Maher
“Jackass 3D” just opened. It’s the life story of New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino.” – David Letterman
“It was reported this week that New York gubernatorial candidate Jimmy McMillan of the Rent Is Too Damn High Party has not had to pay rent on his $800 a month Brooklyn apartment since the ’80s. Confronted with this fact, McMillan changed the name of his party to the Water Pressure Is Too Damn Low Party.” – Seth Meyers
“The main purpose of the North Korean demonstration was to introduce Kim Jong Il’s new heir-apparent – his youngest son, Kim Jong Un. But don’t be deceived… his cheeks are, in fact, not chubby. He’s storing up evil for the winter.” – Jon Stewart
