“President Obama has moved a 12-day tour of India and Asia to right after the November election. I can’t imagine why he would want to leave the country right after the midterm election.” – Jay Leno
“Obama is going to tour India and Asia. I guess he wants to check up on American jobs.” – Jay Leno
“At a rally in Wisconsin, Joe Biden told the crowd they were the dullest audience he’d ever seen. You don’t do that. Just give them some candy.” – Craig Ferguson
“Donald Trump is running for president. He’s not the kind of guy that would stage something like this for publicity. I know it’s official because today, Trump threw his hair into the ring.” – David Letterman
“Lady Gaga was ahead of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Forbes’ list of the most powerful women in the world. I’m not saying Pelosi’s jealous, but today she showed up to work wearing a meat pantsuit.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Carl Paladino’s pit bull, Duke, bit another dog during a campaign stop this week. People who were there said he was growling, foaming at the mouth, and completely out of control. And so was his pit bull.” – Jimmy Fallon
“They gave out the Nobel Prize for Literature, which is very exciting. It guarantees monster sales. Sorry, I’m thinking about Oprah, the Nobel Prize doesn’t mean anything.” – Craig Ferguson
