Political Irony

“Today we found out that a third college that Christine O’Donnell said she attended has no record of ever knowing her. I’m starting to wonder if she ever really went to Hogwarts.” – Bill Maher

“I feel bad for my part in this, and then the feeling passes when I imagine her in the Senate introducing the masturbation prevention act of 2012.” – Bill Maher

“Meg Whitman, our own candidate for governor of California, is running on a platform that’s as tough as nails on illegal immigration. We found out this week she had an illegal immigrant working in her house for nine years. Today Meg Whitman said she’s willing to take a lie detector test to prove that she didn’t know that she had an illegal alien cleaning her house. You know what, if we wanted a governor who swears they have no idea what’s happening in their house, we’d move to Alaska.” – Bill Maher

“Meg Whitman’s campaign for governor of California is in trouble after it was disclosed that she had an undocumented alien working in her home for 9 years. The maid is now being represented by Gloria Allred. How about we let the maid stay and deport Gloria Allred?” – Jay Leno

“Rich Sanchez of CNN got in trouble. Yesterday he said the networks were run by Jews. And today, Rick Sanchez was fired — as Meg Whitman’s housekeeper.” – Bill Maher

“That is not the only election shocker to come out of this state. Jerry Brown checked his personal records and found out he died in 1991. That’s a hell of a choice we have.” – Bill Maher

“Obama has been now finally getting on the campaign trail trying to help [Democrats]. Their big plan is a series of what they call backyard visits where the President speaks to people in their backyards in Middle America. Because nothing calms the fears of Middle Americans like having a black man suddenly appear in your backyard.” – Bill Maher

“President Obama had said if the stimulus bill passed, companies like Caterpillar would hire a lot of Americans. Caterpillar has announced that they are hiring hundreds of workers, in China. And if you call the White House to complain, you get the hotline in India.” – Jay Leno

“Rahm Emanuel, the chief of staff, is quitting. He said he loves it in Washington, he just wanted to spend more time with his f*cking family.” – Bill Maher

“There was a very emotional send-off for Rahm Emanuel at the White House on Friday morning. Rahm Emanuel cried because he’s leaving the White House, and President Obama cried because he’s still there.” – Jay Leno

“The United States had to apologize today because in the 1940s, our government conducted experiments where scientists injected mentally ill Guatemalan prisoners with syphilis and gonorrhea. And Hillary Clinton was the one to make the apology. It was heartfelt. She said, ‘I know what it’s like to go to bed worrying that someone you love has an STD.” – Bill Maher