“Christine O’Donnell was caught lying about her educational background. She may not believe in pleasuring herself, but she thought her resume needed massaging.” – Craig Ferguson
“Until last week it said on her online profile that she attended Oxford University, which of course one of the most prestigious colleges on earth. Stephen Hawking teaches at Oxford, Rhodes scholars go there … She didn’t go to Oxford, which is a shame, because Oxford’s rugby team is called the Fighting Masturbators. That’s their nickname because they always choke.” – Craig Ferguson
“Christine O’Donnell didn’t go to Oxford. It turns out she took a class from something called the Phoenix Institute, which happened to be renting a classroom at Oxford. That’s like saying you’re a TV star, but really you’re just on CBS during the middle of the damn night.” – Craig Ferguson
“I understand why Christine would want people to think she went to Oxford. Oxford has produced some legendary politicians. Margaret Thatcher, Tony Blair, Bill Clinton went to Oxford. I’m sure Bill would remember Christine if he saw her at Oxford. ‘Hey baby, I hear you’re a witch. You want to ride my broomstick? Because if you don’t, I’ll do it myself, and that would be wrong.'” – Craig Ferguson
“We shouldn’t judge candidates on what they stood for 25 years ago. It’s what they stand for today. Because if you look at Christine O’Donnell now, past the media hubbub and what she’s actually saying, you’ll see she’s f*cking insane. But look, I work in late-night television, and frankly we kind of need one of those every now and again. It helps, is what I’m saying. Look, give me one out of 100. Give me one!” – Craig Ferguson
“A new poll found that 41 percent of Americans don’t know who the Vice President is. In reponse, Joe Biden was like, “All right, at least give me a hint.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Rahm Emanuel is leaving the Obama administration. He wants to become mayor of Chicago. If you’re mayor of Chicago, that means you report directly to Oprah.” – David Letterman
“In an interview on MSNBC, Levi Johnston said he has no idea if additional troops will help the war in Afghanistan. Which of course begs the question, who the hell is asking Levi Johnston about strategy for Afghanistan.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama has listed the songs on his iPod. The Tea Partiers are checking to see if ‘Born in the USA’ is on the list.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama said today that education is the key to our economic turnaround. He said once Americans start getting smarter, the economy will start to improve. So you know what that means: we are screwed.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama said today that change is hard. You think it’s hard now? Wait until the House changes in November.” – Jay Leno
