“The Republicans released their ‘Pledge to America.’ It’s 21 pages of phony charts and bad ideas. Sarah Palin got a copy, and she said, ‘How am I supposed to fit all this crap on my hand?'” – Bill Maher
“Sarah Palin was considering running for president, until she heard it was a four-year deal.” – David Letterman
“Bristol Palin has denied rumors that she’s dating The Situation from ‘Jersey Shore.’ If The Situation becomes Sarah Palin’s son-in-law, he’d still have the most normal name of any boy in the family.” – Jimmy Fallon
“House Minority Leader John Boehner says he has never been in a tanning bed and that he gets his dark complexion from his mother. Either he’s lying or Snooki’s a lot older than she’s telling us. ” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Democrats, these pussies, are unbelievable. They are giving up on their tax cut for the middle class until after the election. They have the worst salesmen in the world. They could not talk Lindsay Lohan into a rum and coke.” – Bill Maher
“It was a very good week for getting absolutely nothing done in Congress. They blocked, the Republicans did, the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. We thought this was going to be a done deal. I don’t know what their problem is with Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Even if it is repealed, there will still be a major American institution where gays are still forced to hide in shame and secrecy: The Republican party.” – Bill Maher
“They’re giving up on their tax cuts for the middle class until after the election. … Have they seen the polls? Planning to do this after the election. This is like a condemned man asking for a doggie bag at the last meal.” – Bill Maher
“President Obama’s approval rating dropped again. Things are so bad, Muslims are accusing him of being Christian. ” – Jay Leno
“There’s a new opera about Bill Clinton. I don’t know how it ends, but I bet it isn’t with the fat lady singing.” – Craig Ferguson
