“The Republicans announced their Pledge to America, and here’s what it is: Less taxes, smaller government and act now and they’ll throw in the Dean Martin roast of Frank Sinatra.” – David Letterman
“So two years ago America broke up with you, because you had badly mistreated her. … And you come back rapping on our door, hat in hand, and you say, ‘Baby, I know you love me. But if we get back together, I pledge to you, I promise you, I will still try to f*ck your sister every chance I get.'” – Jon Stewart
“Boy, you got to like the Republicans. First they claim that Obama is not an American. ‘Where is the birth certificate?’ They claim he’s not an American, that’s the Republicans. Then they run a witch.” – David Letterman
“You know Delaware is running a witch, her name is Christine O’Donnell, and she wants to be the Senator from Delaware and today she promised if she’s elected she’ll cast a spell on health care.” – David Letterman
“Earlier today, President Obama was speaking at the UN and no one could tell if it was a calm measured address or an angry tirade.” – David Letterman
“President Obama discussed international relations, global economy, and also admitted that he dabbled in witchcraft. ” – David Letterman
“Last night on Fox News, Sarah Palin said she would run for President, if nobody else steps up. Which explains why today, nearly every person in the country announced they were running for President.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Larry Summers, President Obama’s top economic adviser, is stepping down. So finally some good economic news, I’ll tell ya, Summers didn’t want to leave, but apparently he was out of bad ideas.” – Jay Leno
“Actually, Summers is actually the third Obama economic adviser to leave the White House since July. In face, the only jobs opening up these days are for White House economic advisers.” – Jay Leno
“Vice President Biden held a conference call with senior citizens to talk about health care. Seniors started the conference call confused about how health care works, and ended up more confused about how conference calls work. They’re like, ‘Wait, can you hear me? Saul you’re talking to the VCR.'” – Jimmy Fallon
