“In Delaware, they have a professional witch running for Senate, and she said at one time that she actually had a date on a satanic altar. Whoa! I mean, seriously, who hasn’t? … The date actually took place at Motel 666.” – David Letterman
“As you know, Tea Party candidate Christine O’Donnell has come out against masturbation. Well, she is already paying a heavy price for taking this stance. In fact, today, the powerful hand lotion lobby has endorsed her opponent.” – Jay Leno
“Here’s how you can tell it’s autumn, Christine O’Donnell, the witch from Delaware, today she used her caldron to make chowder.” – David Letterman
“Repealing Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is supported by 82% of Democrats, 64% of Republicans and 100% of Ladies Gaga.” – Jon Stewart
“The premiere of ‘Hawaii Five-0’ was a great episode. The cops were looking around and they accidentally stumbled upon Obama’s birth certificate.” – David Letterman
“According to experts, the recession is over. Is it really over or is it just pulling a Leno?” – David Letterman
“Vice President Joe Biden says in fact the stimulus is working, and he also says his hair plugs are working.” – David Letterman
“Everybody is talking about Bob Woodward’s new book, ‘Obama’s War.’ In the book, he says Joe Biden called Middle East advisor Richard Holbrooke, ‘the most egotistical bastard I’ve ever met.’ Then Rahm Emanuel’s like, ‘What am I, invisible?'” – Jimmy Fallon
