“New FBI statistics say that crime in the United States fell 5 percent from last year. You see what happens when we put Lindsay Lohan in jail?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“You know things are bad when even criminals can’t find work in this country.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Experts say the decrease in crime could be due to the aging of the population, increased incarceration, and many criminals finding jobs in the banking industry and on Wall Street.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Center for American Progress is using Justin Bieber in their marketing to help get out the vote in November. And really, what better symbol to get out the vote than someone who is way too young to vote and Canadian.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama is going to release a fun, easy-to-read children’s book. It’s for ages Biden and up.” – Jimmy Fallon
