“President Obama is trying to back the Republicans into a corner by paying for tax cuts for small businesses with tax hikes on big business. It’s like that old trick when you take two balls and throw one in the air to distract your opponent and throw the other one right at his chest. That’s right, I can explain abstract fiscal policy using analogies about balls. Tomorrow night we will discuss trickle-down economics.” – Craig Ferguson
“President Obama has introduced a $50 billion plan to rebuild the nation’s infrastructure. Now, let’s think back, remember the first $187 billion stimulus package, wasn’t that what that was supposed to do? Remember when we were told about what were called shovel-ready jobs? Whenever Washington talks about shovel-ready jobs, get your shovel ready.” – Jay Leno
“I’m not a political expert, but I think going after the rich is a good idea in an election year, or any other year for that matter. Because let’s face it, rich people are bastards. Even rich people would agree with that. They’re like, ‘It’s true, now hand me another golden sausage.'” – Craig Ferguson
“So far rich people have been very quiet about the possibility of getting taxes raised on them, but that doesn’t mean they won’t get mad about it, it just means they don’t know about it. Because it takes a while for bad news to reach a rich person. First their accountant has to tell the butler, who has to tell the servant, who wouldn’t dare interrupt their game of croquet.” – Craig Ferguson
“The new taxes are going to put rich people in a very tough spot. Paris Hilton may have to carry her own cocaine. Trump may have to fire the guy who trims that thing on his head. Warren Buffet may have to move in with his cousin Jimmy Buffet.” – Craig Ferguson
“President Obama was in Cleveland pitching his latest economic plan. He picked Cleveland because those are the Browns fans, and in September, they’ll believe anything.” – Jay Leno
“There was one awkward moment when the speech ended at lunch time. 9.6 percent of the people had no job to go back to.” – Jay Leno
