“President Obama had a 24-hour vacation on the Gulf Coast of Florida. Some Republicans are attacking him for not staying longer. They have a point. President Bush used to vacation for weeks at a time.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The president was there to promote tourism in the Gulf. He even jumped into the Gulf to prove it was safe. Unfortunately, he did a cannonball right onto a pelican.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The White House is defending President Obama’s sports activities over the past week, saying that everyone needs leisure time. Thanks to these economic policies, 9.5 percent of Americans have all the leisure time they need.” – Jay Leno
“The economy is so bad, the Obamas are thinking about taking their next vacation in the United States.” – Jay Leno
“Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have reaching a custody agreement. Neither of them is allowed to say anything bad about the other parent or the other parent’s family in front of Tripp. So basically nobody is allowed to speak in front of Tripp.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Fertility clinics in England say they are facing a nationwide donor shortage and are looking for international sperm donors. Finally a job Levi Johnston is actually qualified for.” – Jay Leno
“According to U.S. and Iraqi commanders, if the U.S. pulls out of Iraq, their borders will be vulnerable and they won’t be able to stop anyone from entering their country. Well, join the club.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama may be willing to meet with Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. How does that make the governor of Arizona feel? The president won’t meet with her, but a four-foot tall Holocaust-denier in a Members Only jacket? No problem.” – Jay Leno
“Al-Jazeera’s English-speaking channel was nominated for an International Emmy. On the red carpet, Joan Rivers will be like, ‘Who are you wearing? And why is it ticking?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“In ‘The Expendables,’ Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger beat up Sylvester Stallone for convincing them to invest in Planet Hollywood.” – Craig Ferguson
“Schwarzenegger was only in the movie for five minutes, but during that five minutes, he achieved more than in all his years as governor.” – Craig Ferguson
“When Schwarzenegger heard the title ‘The Expendables,’ he thought it was in reference to California’s teachers.” – Craig Ferguson
