“A federal judge overturned Proposition 8, which banned gay marriage in California, which came as great news for both gays and wedding planners. Although that might be redundant.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A California judge has overruled California’s ban on gay marriage. Finally gay men can marry someone other than Liza Minelli. … Wedding planners can now plan their own weddings.” – Jay Leno
“A federal judge struck down California’s gay marriage ban. In West Hollywood, gay men were dancing in the streets with rainbow flags and playing techno music, and then they heard about the ruling and they went crazy.” – Craig Ferguson
“Opponents of gay marriage will now appeal to the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco – good luck there. You’d have better luck with a show of hands at a Lady Gaga concert.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Today was President Obama’s birthday. All the Democrats were like ‘How old are you now,’ while the Republicans were like ‘And where were you born?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Happy birthday to President Obama. Republicans tried to block his birthday but they didn’t have enough votes, so it went through and the President was able to turn 49 today right on schedule.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The president is 49 years old, but it’s never a good sign when your age is higher than your political approval rating.” – David Letterman
“Happy birthday to President Obama. If you want to get him a present, he’s registered at Bed, Bath, and Blame Bush.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama is 49 years old today. He blew out all of his candles and wished for his old job back.” – David Letterman
“They got him a huge cake. He didn’t blow out the candles, he just taxed them until they gave up and went out on their own.” – Jay Leno
“According to the National Enquirer, Bristol Palin has called of her engagement with Levi Johnston after finding out that he also got his ex-girlfriend Lanesia Garcia pregnant. Forget the oil spill, can someone put a cap on this guy?” – Jay Leno
“Just a few weeks after they announced their engagement, Bristol Palin claims that she has officially broken things off with Levi Johnston after he told her he may have gotten another woman pregnant. That’s always the deal breaker, isn’t it? Apparently they agreed to be abstinent until they were married, Levi just thought it meant with Bristol.” – Jay Leno
“How can we pull 130,000 men out of Iraq when we can’t even get Levi to pull out of his own girlfriend.” – Jay Leno
“Bristol Palin broke up with Levi Johnston. You know the story, the kids were dating, and I mean really dating, and then it looked like they were going to get married. Then they didn’t get married, and he went off to do other things, like pose naked. And then it looked like they were going to patch things up. Turns out now they’re not getting back together. Boy, I didn’t see that coming.” – David Letterman
“BP says they’ve been able to seal the leak in the Gulf of Mexico. They were popping champagne to celebrate, but then they had trouble controlling the flow of the champagne and destroyed their entire office.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The price of coffee has surged to a 12-year high. It’s getting so expensive that BP is thinking about spilling some.” – Jay Leno
“Billionaire Republican and former eBay CEO Meg Whitman says she has spent more 99 million of her own money to get elected of governor of California. I think she thinks it’s like eBay, the office goes to the highest bidder.” – Jay Leno
“How can she be governor of California You know, she has not been in one single ‘Terminator’ movie.” – Jay Leno
“Congressman Charlie Rangel and Congresswoman Maxine Waters met this to work out their new number one issue: prison reform.” – Jay Leno
“Congressman Rangel has been accused of 13 ethics violations, or as they call it in Washington, fundraising.” – Jay Leno
“Raul Castro said that his government will ease controls on small businesses, will lay off unnecessary workers, and will allow more self-employment. Apparently, he sees how bad socialism is working in America, they don’t want it to happen there.” – Jay Leno
“Wyclef Jean has announced that he will run for president of Haiti. He said he hopes the Haitian people will look past the fact that he has very little political experience and forgive him for that horrible remake of ‘We Are the World.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
