“President Obama is going to be on ‘The View.’ Who says this guy isn’t willing to confront radical extremists?” – David Letterman
“President Obama said he had a good time on ‘The View,’ and that the ladies on the show talk a lot less than Joe Biden.” – Jay Leno
“Arizona’s immigration law went into effect today. If you want to boycott Arizona, instead of going to see the Grand Canyon, come to New York City to see our potholes.” – David Letterman
“Because of Arizona’s new law, a lot of immigrants have fled the state and returned to their homeland, Los Angeles.” – Jay Leno
“Chelsea Clinton is getting married this weekend. I don’t know how this happened, but she’s marrying Levi Johnston.” – David Letterman
“A lot of security at the wedding, a huge security detail, and that’s just to keep Bill from the bridesmaids.” – David Letterman
“Whiny Tony Hayward — you know the cry-baby BP CEO guy — he says life’s not fair and that sometimes you step off a curb and you get hit by a bus. You know, if life was fair, that bus would have been driven by an unemployed Louisiana shrimp boat operator.” – Jay Leno
“Scientists are saying that a giant asteroid could strike the earth in 2182, and that it could decimate the planet and destroy most forms of life. A spokesman for BP said, ‘Been there, done that.'” – Craig Ferguson
“President Bush’s memoir is set to come out just in time for the midterm elections and it has some Republicans upset because it may remind voters of — President Bush.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“One conservative columnist called the timing of the book release ‘selfish and stupid,’ which, coincidentally, is also the title of the book.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Toyota is recalling more than 400,000 cars in the U.S. because of steering problems. Toyota’s crisis management spokesman issued a statement saying, ‘Good to be back.'” – Jimmy Fallon
