“An American named Bob Dudley is BP’s new CEO. Nice to see an American taking a job from a foreigner for once.” – Jay Leno
“BP CEO Tony Hayward is being sent to a project in Siberia. He wants to go to a part of the planet that hasn’t been ruined yet.” – David Letterman
“BP announced that as a result of their own internal investigation, it has cleared itself of all blame in the Gulf oil spill. In a related story, Congressman Charlie Rangel has announced that he will be investigating himself and will find himself completely innocent.” – Jay Leno
“Elmhurst, Illinois is going to outlaw eye-rolling. So what happens if John McCain shows up and says he still thinks he made the right choice with Sarah Palin?” – David Letterman
“President Obama’s new message to the American people is ‘things could be a lot worse.’ We’ve gone from ‘change you can believe in’ to ‘things could be a lot worse.’ The sequel is never as good as the original.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama is going on a 10-day vacation to Martha’s Vineyard in August. Obama was like, ‘This is my longest vacation ever,’ and voters were like, ‘Wait’ll you see the one we’re planning for you!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The heat in Washington D.C. was so bad today, that the Supreme Court had to wear their emergency sleeveless robes.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said this week that ‘Jersey Shore’ is giving New Jersey a bad name. As opposed to the good, clean, inspirational shows about New Jersey, like ‘The Sopranos.'” – Jay Leno
“King Tut’s chariot is in New York City for two weeks, then it goes right back to Jay Leno’s garage.” – David Letterman
“King Tut used the chariot on his first date with Barbara Walters.” – David Letterman
“Paris Hilton is in hot water for a picture in which she looks like she’s doing a Nazi salute. Let’s be honest, Paris Hilton has no idea what a Nazi salute is. She probably thinks Nazi is a game you play with dice.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice performed a duet with Aretha Franklin at a charity event. Not to be outdone, President Bush played tambourine on three songs with The Wiggles.” – Jimmy Fallon
