“The brother of former President George Bush, Jeb Bush, is running for president. Yep, and the campaign slogan is, ‘I’m going to finish what my brother started.'” – David Letterman
“So Jeb Bush is running for president. I don’t know about the rest of the country, but thank God, ladies and gentlemen, the comedy recession is over!” – David Letterman
“Political experts and pundits and people who know the Bushes are saying that Jeb Bush is smarter than his brother. That’s damning with faint praise, isn’t it? Who the hell isn’t smarter than his brother, for God’s sake?” – David Letterman
“Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich did not testify at his trial. He wanted to testify, but he sold his seat at the court for $100,000.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama and his family are going on vacation in the Gulf Coast next month. Of course, the Gulf Coast is a lovely place to sit back and relax — just ask BP.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Have you guys seen this show ‘White House Apprentice?’ It’s a lot like the other ‘Apprentice,’ but on this one, when the boss fires you, he offers you your job back a day later.” – Jay Leno
“Happy birthday to former Sen. Bob Dole. He’s 175 years old today.” – Jay Leno
“Starbucks’ profits went up 37 percent in the third quarter of this year. They say they owe the increase to their new strategy of opening a Starbucks inside an existing Starbucks.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Britney Spears has been giving her support to Mel Gibson throughout the scandal, which is ironic because Mel’s latest tape is called, ‘Oops, I did it again.'” – Jay Leno
“Facebook now has 500 million users. The previous record holder was heroin.” – Jimmy Kimmel
