“Bristol Palin is getting married to Levi Johnston. Sarah Palin is so excited that she can’t even make up words to express how thrilled she is.” – David Letterman
“Mayor Michael Bloomberg proposed turning the city’s excess dumpsters into swimming pools. Nothing says summer in New York City like packing a picnic lunch and heading to the dumpster.” – David Letterman
“President Obama signed into law a sweeping financial reform. The law started out strong, but got watered down as it went through Congress. Basically, the law now says that Wall Street has to wait an hour after eating to go swimming.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“This week in 1944, a bomb intended for Adolf Hitler exploded but failed to kill him. It was a defective device called the Apple iBomb. It would have worked but Hitler was holding it wrong.” – Jay Leno
“Newspaper circulation has fallen to a new low and they say they are becoming obsolete. To give you an idea of how bad it is, today I saw a guy sleeping on a park bench with an iPad on his face.” – Jay Leno
“The CEO of British Petroleum is leaving his job. It’s not official, it just leaked out.” – David Letterman
“The big comic book convention, Comic-Con, starts tomorrow in San Diego. This is a week-long convention of comic books, science fiction, video games, and other forms of birth control.” – Jimmy Fallon
“British Prime Minister David Cameron is visiting the U.S. and yesterday he and President Obama gave each other pieces of art. That really wasn’t necessary, Britain. You’ve already given us a huge oil painting.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The man who invented the black box used in airplanes has died. The cause of death was too many comedians saying, ‘Why don’t they just make the whole plane out of the black box?'” – Craig Ferguson
