“Today is a day of cautious optimism. The BP well has been capped and Lindsay Lohan is in rehab, but we’re not sure how long either one is going to hold.” – Jay Leno
“BP stopped the oil leak at 3:25 p.m. Eastern Time. And at 3:26 p.m., Mel Gibson and Lindsay Lohan began jockeying for the title of ‘biggest disaster.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“For the first time since April, oil has stopped gushing into the Gulf of Mexico. I’m not sure what engineers they used to fix it but I think we can rule out the guys who created the new iPhone 4.” – Jay Leno
“Apple will now offer a free iPhone case for all iPhone users. It’s not going to help reception, but it protects the iPhone after you throw it against the wall.” – Jay Leno
“Experts are now saying that these thousands of accidents caused by Toyotas were really driver error. The driver error was buying a Toyota.” – Jay Leno
“Rumors are that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are going to film a reality show. Sarah Palin says she can’t wait to start shooting, but that’s totally unrelated.” – Craig Ferguson
