“We have some wonderful news. BP announced it successfully capped the oil leak. The oil leak has stopped. I am so glad they were able to nip this thing in the bud.” – Jay Leno
“BP just announced that the containment cap is working and no oil is leaking into the Gulf of Mexico. Well, that was easy.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Before they capped it, BP had to test the integrity of the well, which I believe is the first time BP and integrity have ever been used in the same sentence.” – Jay Leno
“BP says it finally stopped the oil from leaking. And if we’ve learned anything in the last three months, it’s that whatever BP says, BP says.” – Jimmy Fallon
“BBC is reporting that Venezuela may have massive oil reserves, more than even Saudi Arabia. You know what that means? We could have invaded closer to home and saved gas.” – Jay Leno
“But to be fair to President Bush, at the time we invaded Iraq, he thought Venezuela was a planet.” – Jay Leno
“Of course, today, he corrected himself. He now realizes Venezuela is those horns they blow at the World Cup.” – Jay Leno
“A CBS News poll found that 57 percent of Americans support Arizona’s new immigration law, although if you change it from Americans to people living in America, the number drops to 2 percent.” – Jimmy Fallon
“You remember Bill Clinton? Bill and Hillary went out and bought a brand-new house in upstate New York. He’s still keeping the old place to use as a bachelor pad.” – David Letterman
“But the new place is beautiful. It’s one of those houses that has a name. I believe it’s called Rancho Impeacho.” – David Letterman
“Well, this week, Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston revealed exclusively to Us Weekly, my bible, that they are getting married. Sarah Palin allegedly not happy about this, because she feels they barely know each other and they are making a big commitment. You know, kind of like when John McCain picked her for vice president.” – Jay Leno
“People are sweating more than Sarah Palin trying to hire a wedding planner. That’s how hot it was today.” – Jay Leno
“The White House announced today that the stimulus package saved three million jobs. But they said there’s still more jobs that need to be saved: President Obama’s, Joe Biden’s, Harry Reid’s, Nancy Pelosi’s…” – Jay Leno
