“Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston announced they are engaged to be married. Can you believe that? Whew! Even that German octopus couldn’t have predicted this.” – Jay Leno
“Do you folks remember a guy named Levi Johnston? He’s marrying Bristol Palin. They’re getting married, that’s exciting. He’ll be arriving at the church tied to Sarah Palin’s pickup.” – David Letterman
“Bristol, her daughter, made the announcement on an hour-long ESPN special.” –David Letterman
“But here’s the interesting part. They’re not having sex until after they are married, that’s what they said. So let me get this straight. They had sex, she had a baby, now they’re engaged and celibate. Isn’t that backwards? It’s like they’re sexually dyslexic.” – Jay Leno
“Last week Levi made a heartfelt apology to the Palin family. That kind of rings a bell.” – David Letterman
“Actually, Bristol said the one thing she missed most about Levi – his Johnston.” – Jay Leno
“At the British Open, Tiger Woods will be playing with a new putter for the first time in 11 years. I guess his old putter was just plain worn out. If I were him I’d keep that a secret. You don’t want to go around announcing you stuck with a putter longer than you stuck with your wife. Right? He should keep his Johnson in his Levis.” – Jimmy Fallon
“This just in. President Obama is looking into trading Mel Gibson to Russia.” – David Letterman
“Over the years, Mel Gibson has insulted Jews, African-Americans, and Mexicans. Don’t worry, if he hasn’t insulted your ethnicity yet, he’ll get around with it.” – David Letterman
“South Korea has new robots along its border with North Korea that can detect and kill intruders. Meanwhile they’re installing robots along the U.S. border that say ‘Hola.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Dick Cheney is recovering after minor surgery. Doctors implanted a new device called a ‘heart.'” – Craig Ferguson
“President Obama announced the appointment of a new White House budget director, which is pretty surprising. You know the White House has a budget director? What the hell has he been doing?” – Jay Leno
“George Steinbrenner turned the New York Yankees from a $10 million franchise to a billion-dollar franchise. His secret was the $9 hot dog.” – David Letterman
“Cuban leader Fidel Castro made a rare appearance on Cuban television the other night. It’s a Cuban show called ‘Cuba’s Got Talent, but America’s Got Food, Water, Shelter, Medicine, Cars.” – Jay Leno
“After complaints about women being forced to wear veils on their face, the French parliament approved a ban on burqas. It is, however, still legal in France to wear the same sour-smelling shirt 20 days in a row.” – Jimmy Fallon
